I think it's fair to say i spent much more than 20 minutes doing something "fearless" and faith strengthening today. I gave a talk in sacrament meeting today, which I nervously spent last week preparing, then I taught my sunday school lesson. Later this afternoon, I spent some time preparing my sunday school lesson for next week and studying my patriarchal blessing. It's a recent thing for Sundays to be so full of scripture study for me, and I must say that I'm liking it. We've always had relaxing Sundays and often go on family walks, but adding in some extra scripture study is really refreshing. I'm still working on improving my personal scripture study during the week--meaning I read my scriptures maybe once a week--and I know I have a long way to go, but I've learned that it's important for me to take it one step at a time. When I create a huge to do list, it tends to take me backwards because I feel awful when I'm not able to stick to all the million things i want to change. Our stake (and church in general) have really been pushing the Sabbath day, so I decided that's something that I can start with. And to be honest, as nervous and not excited I was about being called to be a sunday school teacher, I have been very grateful these last few weeks because it gives me a starting point for my scripture studies. I feel like I have a lot of fear and anxiety these days, but making these steps to have more faith and faith building activities in my life brings great peace when I remember (and make time) to do them. I will include my talk at the end of this post, because I have never worked so hard and put so much thought into a talk before and I'm very proud of it. I also seem to have made a great impression on a lot of people in our ward--which has been helpful for making new friends in Spokane already.
my joyful mommy moment today:
I washed our comforter yesterday and had hung it up to dry overnight. I layed it on the ground to pick off some lint before putting it back on our bed and Ivy crawled over to me, so we spent some time playing on it together. She has found new enjoyment in laying her head down on soft things, so we took turns copying each other flopping down on the soft blanket and laughing. I loved laying my head next to her and watching her feel the soft blanket and find herself funny while dramatically stroking it and snuggling into the ground. She's growing and changing and really becoming her own little person and I love being a part of that.
My talk: on living a Christ-centered life.
One week before my daughter was born, we arrived home to our apartment in Seattle to discover that we had been robbed. Missing were all 3 of our computers, our ipods, all of my jewelry, and, worst of all, my engagement ring. We knew we lived in a sketchier area of town, with homeless camps on every other corner, and my husband had actually seen a homeless woman leaving with our stuff. I was in a panic, not only for the loss of our monetary items, but with feeling so violated and helpless. We were poor students, living off med school loans, and not feeling ready to bring our child into this unfair, terrifying, mean world. I was sad and afraid, but mostly I was so angry and it consumed me. For weeks afterwards, I couldn’t see a homeless person without this intense wave of anger washing over me--anger that I felt was justified. How dare THEY come into our home and take things of such great value! We don’t have much either!
After our daughter was born, I struggled with post-pardom depression and couldn’t seem to figure out how to be happy again. Not only were we adjusting to parenting on small amounts of sleep, but my husband was right in middle of his semester at school so I was often alone, and I had this fear of the world, mountains of insurance paperwork, and anger. So much anger. Until one day, Andrew decided we needed something to change. So we made dinner. We bought a flat of waterbottles and some cake at the grocery store. And walked down the street, with our newborn baby in my arms, to take dinner to the group of homeless people on our street corner.
At the time, our stake theme was Ezekiel 34:16 “I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick.” I was so busy staying inside myself, and feeding my “justified” anger to realize that the cure to my situation was the opposite of what I had been doing. My husband showed me, that healing can only start to happen when we choose to emulate Christ and, as Elder Bednar stated, “[we must] look and reach outward when the natural and instinctive response is to be self-absorbed and turn inward.”
When we talk about having a Christ centered life, it is really easy to create a to do list for ourselves: hang more pictures of the temple on our walls, spend more time reading our scriptures, make sure the house is clean by Saturday night so Sunday can truly be restful. The list goes on and on. And let me be clear, none of these things we might add to our list are wrong. Much of this will help us to think more about our Savior. But the key is to do things that actually help us BECOME like our Savior. In order to emulate Christ, we have to remember what he spent his life doing--and that was specifically what he could do or be for others. Thus our goal for a Christlike life, should also be what we can do or be FOR others, and much less on what we can do or be for ourselves.
President Uchdorf said, “What the Savior would want [is less about]...the programs or statistics..[it is] the condition of our heart. He would want to know how we love and minister to those in our care, how we show our love to our spouse and family, and how we lighten their daily load. And the Savior would want to know how you and I grow closer to Him and to our Heavenly Father.” We grow closer to Christ by doing as he would--which is seeking the lost, binding the broken, and strengthening the sick.
Let’s reflect for a minute on the life of Christ, and more specifically who He spent his time with. Who did he hang out with? Yes, he had his disciples, but he also spent a considerable amount of his time with the outcasts of society. Christ spent his ministry healing people of “their infirmities and plagues, and of evil spirits” (Luke 7:21) and to do any sort of healing and teaching, this obviously means he spent time with these people. He ate dinner with the publicans and sinners (Mark 2:15), he taught the woman at the well--who was a Samaritan--an enemy to the Jews (John 4:27), he touched and healed and taught the lepers, the lame, the blind. Christ befriended everyone. He broke down barriers between social class, status, gender, and cultures. Can the same be said of us? Do we associate with the outcasts of society? Matthew 9:12 says “it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick”. Christ is that doctor, and we are His church. If we are to center our life on Christ, then we will center our life on serving His sick, His broken, His outcast.
So, what does this look like in our lives? Who are the lost, the broken and the sick that we can touch? What are the barriers that keep us from reaching out and touching those around us? For me, I know barriers are most often something inside of me, keeping me from feeling totally comfortable associating with other people. It’s either my pride or my insecurities. I feel like someone is too put together, too pretty, or too good of a mom--and I’m intimidated. Or it’s the opposite and I think that I can do better than get to know someone who’s life seems so different, or so out of line with my ideal. But either way, the barrier between us is all about ME. It’s about how I feel, its about what I think, its about what I want--these are all barriers that Christ didn’t have. It was never about Him--it was always about the other person. What did Christ get from eating with sinners? How did He feel about touching a leper? Those were questions He never asked, and things we would do well to emulate. How can we care about, or even see the lost when all we can think about or see is ourselves.
I previously mentioned our old stake theme of seeking the lost, binding the broken, and strengthening the sick. Our ward participated in almost weekly service by providing meals, company and conversation to the homeless people in our area. This was one group of “social outcasts” whom we could easily reach out to and strengthen. Another group in need of our love were the gay and lesbian members in our community--both inside and outside the church. Our stake president made it a point to personally speak to their specific struggles, and invite them to worship with us. We attended sacrament meetings, firesides, and combined 3rd hour meetings devoted specifically to welcoming gay members, or hearing from gay members of their own journey within the church, how they may or may not have found peace, and how we can provide a supportive church community for them. Our bishop wanted to fill our pews with gays, with smokers, with people struggling with addictions, and with sinners. If we’re honest about it, our pews already ARE full of sinners. We each have our own sins and struggles and that is exactly why we’re here--at a hospital for the sick. Let us invite other sinners, ALL sinners, to be here with us. To feel the love of Christ and to worship Him.
I found my new favorite quote about the character of Christ. It says “Jesus didn’t require people to change BEFORE coming to Him. He sought them out, met them where they were, and extended grace to them in their circumstances. Change would come to those who accepted Christ, but it would be from the inside out. Jesus knew better than anyone that the kindness of God leads sinners to repentance (Romans 2:4)”. I’m here to testify that what we all need is a little more kindness. A little more acceptance and love, and a little less judgment. Who cares if I sin a little differently than you, a little bigger, a little more visibly.
A Christ centered life asks us to greet each of our brothers and sisters with open arms and to welcome each other to worship our Lord in our own ways. A Christ centered life is about breaking barriers, it’s about people and things OTHER than ourselves. A Christ centered life isn’t easy. Developing charity is work--and it is a gift. I know that as we strive to think more about how we treat and love others, and as we pray for this desire, God will bless us with the gift of charity. I know that Christ is our Savior, and our best example of a true friend. I am so thankful for the other examples of friendship, acceptance, and love that I have in my life--and for the daily reminders that I can do better. That I must do better. That when the opportunity arises, I want to choose to go outside of my comfort zone to make life better, easier, for those around me. And I’m forever grateful for the Atonement that gives me the chance to start over each time I still turn inward and think about myself instead (which is often). Christ was the one who “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38). I pray that we can all do the same.
Grace challenged me to start this "Be You" challenge with her and I thought it would be a perfect time to get a jumpstart on my blogging...again. haha. I could go on about how bad I've been at blogging since...well..always, but instead of that, lets just jump right in. this challenge is about overcoming perfectionism and finding self-worth in my own happiness after all, and listing the reasons I've failed at consistently blogging doesn't seem like the best place to start.